I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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