god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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