Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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