i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
