ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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