You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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