Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
