Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
