three words: i give head
three words: not that well
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
