I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
