someone threw a dead crab at me
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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