I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
