What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Be still, my beating vagina.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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