this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
