I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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