He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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