If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I understand Curling. That high.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
she pinky promised me she was 18
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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