You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
