The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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