If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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