Midget sex pt 2 tonight
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
