Her vagina should come with caution tape.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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