he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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