the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
