i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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