Your mouth is God's brothel.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
