I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
