god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
