Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
