I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
