He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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