I'm lost and stupid without you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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