i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
