I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
