We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
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Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
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I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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