any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
