I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
