I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
