You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
