Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
