just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
