there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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