Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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