i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Holy sore nipples Batman
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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