I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
