how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I love you.
Bad choice
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
