The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
not ubering you a puppy
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
