Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
