I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No...this little piggys going to the bar
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
