Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
