1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
