the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I pour the whiskey from now on
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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