I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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