I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
