she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
