Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
