i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
