apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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