I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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