She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
