He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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