If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
