you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
