My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This toilet bowl is my home.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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